as i sit here in my home, drinking my beer & enjoying some cool hummus & pretzels, i can't help but wonder whats gonna happen with my housing situation & i also wonder about the future of millions of americans who are in the same place in life. it's fucking horrible to feel like when you leave your house you need to take everything of any value with you & leave it with your kids at a safe place :( i am so happy that today went the way it did at court & i am still allowed to be here, in my home. i never imagined i would find myself displaced or "homeless". i've always had the kind of life that people dream of & now it's fading fast. i feel like everyday is a emotional roller coaster & it's just started. i can only imagine i will breakdown when they finally do evict me & i'm not looking forward to it one little bit! several years back, i went through a really bad time where i was in a deep depression. i couldn't eat, couldn't force myself out of bed, my mom had to come stay with me & even slept in my bed with me for weeks! i cried 24/7! the only thing that got me through that was my family & my pets are included in that! just think, all of that was over a boy! nothing compared to losing your home & shelter for your family :( everyday i feel like i am sinking lower & lower back into my depressed state & i hate that feeling. today is going good because i didn't get evicted, but i still feel like i can't breath when i think about everything that is going on. loss of control is something i don't handle well at all! losing my home & losing control of my emotions are both shitty, knowing there isn't a damn thing you can do about it makes it even worse. when i get depressed like that i'm not trying to hurt myself, i just can't get it together to make things keep going the way they should in life, like going to work, eating, playing with my babies. when i'm like that all i want to do is sleep & sleep until things are better. the problem is that sleeping doesn't make problems go away or get better unless you have someone to depend on financially & i don't have that right now. like i said today i feel OK, much better than i did yesterday. i was a so sad yesterday, i felt like i was going to puke all day at work! & i was pretty bad off this morning too! i didn't even get up & drink my coffee, i just got up & took a shower & went to court. after court today i was like "why am i so hungry" & i realized i didn't eat OR drink ANYTHING since breakfast yesterday morning, well i had an energy drink at work at like 11 am too. but that was it! when i am thinking clearly i eat a TON! i LOVE food! but when i'm depressed i can't even think about eating or drinking, everything makes me want to puke!
i know there are millions of people who are in worse situations than i am & i feel like a selfish bitch because this is such a huge deal to me. at my new job i am dealing with a lot of low income & sometimes even homeless people. it's so sad to see these people who can't do anything to get out of the bad place they are in. the homeless people can't get jobs because they have no way to be contacted, also most of the one i have seen at this job come in in dirty clothes & one guy friday had holes in the soles of his shoes :( that breaks my heart! & like i said it pisses me off at myself to see how i can't handle shit. having this new job makes me feel even more lucky than i ever have because i see how shitty some people have it & it's way worse than you can imagine! on one hand i feel super lucky to have lived the "blessed" lifestyle for so long, but on the other hand i feel like shit & feel like curling up in a ball & covering my head & hiding from the world forever! not to say i'm not thankful for everything i still have, but it's just hard to be me right now. i think a good comparison would be if someone took Paris Hilton & made her like in a section 8 apartment, & took her money too! very, very, very horrible feeling. it's not like i have it "that bad" but it's hard to get used to the idea of not being in control of where you CAN live, my credit is fucked to say the least so i won't be buying another home on my own anytime soon or have any chance of getting a new car (thank god i love mine) or even having a credit card for emergencies. i just can't get used to the idea of being "that" girl.
yeah i'm a bitch & i complain a ton! lol! you know you love it! ;)
